from VCCA Journal, Volume 10, Number 2, Summer 1996, 6-10
© Copyright 1996 VCCA Journal
Are there those who leave you feeling distressed, frustrated, or plain frazzled even on the simplest of exchanges? Or are there those who seem to impact your life in a negative way with a mere glance? Or those you dread approaching because you know they are not going to make your day? Are there folks who seem to drain away your energy, or in just the opposite extreme send your blood pressure on the rise? Are there individuals who just plain hurt your feelings, and you know that was their sole intent? Is there anyone you encounter on a regular basis whose words make you sad and depressed? If you answer "yes" to any or all of the above, then you know toxic people. What sets this group aside is that making you feel terrible is their intent, purpose, and motivation in life. It is not mere chance you leave their presence wanting to scream, cry, or curse, or maybe all three at the same time.
Webster cites "toxic" as poisonous, or acting as a poison. Here we speak of poisonous people or toxicants. The behavior of toxic people drips with venom with a clear object in mind--you. Toxic people can be found anywhere and everywhere. Many toxicants can not be avoided because they hang out very often where we spend most of our time--in the work place.
Toxicants encountered most are liars. Even when there is no need, they can not resist misrepresenting the truth. They lie to cover up, they lie to evade, they lie for the fun of it. Liars make up things for the sake of making them up. Most of their lies stand tall among the negatives. Liars may be hard to identify at first because they have a way of being quite ingratiating, and they win you over by first getting on your good side. They flatter and cajole you; but as soon as they get a chance, they rip you apart- -usually to your supervisor.
For the most part, they believe their lies make them look good and you appear bad--which they often do. If you are not careful, they often get away with their lies. If a liar thinks you are having a great day, he/she will call you on the telephone and tell you a lie to make you feel bad. For them, there is joy in lying. Always think three times before you act on information given by a liar.
The worst thing you can have around a liar is a "loose tongue." Liars just wait for you to say things so they will have something to distort. Deal with liars by staying with the facts. State the truth as you know it. Never, ever gossip or tell them anything that you do not want repeated. Do not talk about other people, talk about things: the weather, the traffic on the way to work, the great dinner you had the night before, sports events. They will soon think of you as a bore, which is exactly what you want. Know that they will forget to whom they told a lie and will get caught up in their own plot.
If you have to have frequent dealings with them, put facts before them in writing. Liars seldom want information in writing. Tell them straight up that you do not believe what they are saying to be true or that they do not appear to have all the information related to the matter for making a judgement. If you do not play their game, they will leave you alone.
Julia Cameron (1992) in The Artist s Way describes a toxicant we all know--the "crazymaker." Crazymakers do just as their names suggest: they drive you crazy. This personality knows just how to create storm centers. They create confusion and then pretend they want to help solve the problem. They want to be the center of attention, and they wheel and deal at your expense. According to Cameron, "crazymakers are small on responsibility and big on blame."
Crazymakers usually do not have their acts together; they believe the confusion they create will show others in a negative light. The crazymaker usually makes a grand entrance into the office setting. Some are so bold as to announce their arrival--"I m here!" Crazymakers begin much and finish little, so do not be surprised when you are caught having to finish their work. When something goes unexpectedly, the crazymaker is the first to start shouting out blame. Seldom will they accept responsibility for having made the mess in the first place.
Do not be fooled into thinking the crazymaker means you well. Their own brand of behavior is there to keep you off guard or make you less productive, to create tension in relationships, or to get you to do their work for them.
Do not be silly enough to play the "tit for tat" game with crazymakers. They have more experience than you because it is a way of life for them. Acknowledge their presence and let them know that you have your own agenda and that they are not part of it. Remember it takes at least three to tango with a crazymaker; and if no one is watching, it is not worth their effort. Be strong, do not play their game.
To help others through the processes of leadership, self- empowerment and personal growth, Kaleel Jamison (1994) published The Nibble Theory and The Kernel of Power in which considerable attention is given to the "nibbler" toxicant. Nibblers always want to be the big circle, and they will say or do anything to try to make you a smaller circle. Nibblers bite at you to keep you in your place; and to make matters worse, they re-enforce that they like you the way you are.
If you are having a fine time, the nibbler will ask you if you are sick and say you look droopy. If you do an outstanding report, the nibbler will take out the red pencil and make it drip with blood. Wherever there may be a weakness, the nibbler will have the talent to find it and bring it to your attention. The nibbler will verbally chip away until you begin to believe that you are nothing. The smaller you feel, the stronger the nibbler becomes. Nibblers will seldom tell you anything good about yourself; they will ignore your strong points and go for the jugular.
The nibbler really wants you to tuck your tail and run. Don t! With this type you must stand your ground. When the nibbler tells you, "You look bad," return with, "That s strange I feel fabulous, but something must be going around because you look green around the gills yourself." Check and recheck your work, have others check it also because nibblers have eagle eyes for errors. Do not give them any to find.
The most important defense against the nibbler is that you feel good about yourself and believe in your self worth. Self confidence is the key. Nibblers watch you closely for reactions; and if you let their words go in one ear and out the other, they will know that they are not getting to you. Be reflective in your responses; return the question directly back at them. If you can not think of anything to say at the moment, ignore the nibbler and start talking about something else. Try not to start an argument by being too aggressive because the nibbler will get nasty--nasty when a discussion becomes heated. Do not be afraid to excuse yourself and walk away.
In Dealing with People You Can t Stand, Doctors Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner (1994) write about the "sniper" and the "grenade."
The sniper is a covert operator who identifies your weaknesses and uses them against you--through sabotage behind your back or well-aimed put-downs in front of the crowd. The sniper is often a real snake in the grass. Snipers hold grudges for months or years, and they spend every moment in your presence trying to figure out how to get even. The sniper wants you to appear foolish, or better still in an academic setting, dumb. The sniper is best when you are not around and unable to defend yourself.
Brinkman and Kirschner suggest that you stay alert and scan for snipers and that you use questions to bring snipers out of hiding. Two good "searchlight" questions are, "When you say that, what are you really trying to say?" (the intent question), and "What does that have to do with this?" (the relevancy question).
The sniper tries to interfere with your relationships with others, especially those who may hold you in high esteem. If an individual is a true friend, she will alert you to the snipping. If an enemy, she will edge the sniper on, and then you have two toxic people to watch out for.
The "grenade" is a bomb waiting to explode. Often, a grenade is mad at the world. When grenades blow, the shrapnel hits everyone in range. They use the most explicit of terms and phrases, and they will call you every negative thing under the sun. The interesting thing about grenade toxicants is that a few hours later they will be acting "normal" or as if nothing at all happened. What they failed to realize is that the pain and suffering they have caused lingers on.
Grenades are very frustrated people. Often their behavior is a demand for attention. If grenades get their way by blowing up, this behavior becomes the norm. One way of assisting grenades-- because they do need assisting--is to try helping them prevent such explosions. Verbally acknowledge you recognize how upset they are, and talk about why they became so upset. Grenades usually need a little hand holding themselves. The attention could help the explosive cycle from rebuilding so quickly.
In academe, we daily deal with "the elitist." Elitists claim to fame is that they believe themselves to be intellectually superior to others, and especially to you. They want you to defer to their judgements. Some appear sensitive, but they are emotionally hard as nails.
Some would love it if you bowed when you entered their presence. The elitist wants you to believe them to be better than most, and certainly the best within the office radius. They are good at bragging and exaggerating, giving themselves honors they never received, and letting you know that you could never measure up to them. Elitists talk a lot about the college or university from which they graduated; they also talk a lot about how intellectually superior their thesis or dissertation was. Now if the truth were really exposed about the elitist, you would find she probably barely squeaked out of college, and her dissertation was probably a disaster.
A point to remember: most truly brilliant individuals are humble and often quite nice. Seldom do they flaunt their knowledge or their degrees. They want you to learn and experience excellence. Elitists do not know what true excellence is, so why would they want you to experience it? Elitists have a reason for assuming the brilliant facades. Many, in fact, have used the elitist attitude to cover up real feelings of inferiority. When you come too close to uncovering elitists, their standard response is, "I am not going to lower my standards." An appropriate response is, "What standards are you talking about?"
The "projectionist" toxicant sees the world from a very negative perspective. Projectionists are masters at projecting their negative thoughts into your actions. They are quick to explain you to others, tell others what your words mean, and forecast what your responses will be. The sad and dangerous side is that they are actually expressing their own beliefs, motivations, and pathology--not yours. The projectionist, with intense intent, tries to represent you.
The projectionist says, "Jane will be very angry when she hears this." The real angry person is the projectionist, not Jane. More than likely Jane had little or no emotional tie to the episode. Projectionists often project on to others what they are too afraid to say, admit, or do.
A key to handling projectionists in the office is to let their statements fall like lead balloons to the floor. Certainly do not prod them on by asking more questions.
The most direct way to handle these people is to tell them that you do not believe what they are saying and that you do not want to further discuss the issue. Anyone who is the gossip monger in your environment is usually a projectionist. Stay clear of intimate communication with them.
So can you truly move beyond the toxicants? Most definitely! The first step toward survival is being aware that toxicants do, in fact, exist and that you probably know several. Know that most toxicants are not going to change their methods of operation. What has to happen is that you change the way you react to them. Yes, you have to move beyond the toxicants and protect yourself. Open your eyes and acknowledge, at least to yourself, that the individual currently influencing negative reactions in you is toxic.
You can not imagine how much better this immediately makes you feel. However, you have to also examine your behavior to make sure that you are not a toxicant in the environment. Be sure the reactions you receive from others are not of your own making.
An excellent defense is to continuously reaffirm your worth and abilities. Give yourself positive feed-back. Do not let others draw you into their negative spaces. There is truth in the old adage, "Living well is the best defense." Know when and how to say, "I am really not interested in that," or "I do not care to participate in this behavior," or "I can not believe that."
Be passive if you must. Just avoid as much association with toxicants as you can. Stand your ground when you can, and do not be afraid. Deal directly with the person. Remember to keep calm, take several deep breaths, speak in a lower voice, speak slowly. Above all, think before you speak. None of this is new; you have read this before. Think of Patty LaBelle when she sings, "I ve Got a New Attitude." Well, get a new attitude about those toxicants you know, and they will learn that you are no longer an enabling target.
A six year old once reported to me that another child in his school really bothered the children but that he had "X ed" the chap out of his life, and he did not bother him anymore. "How did you do that?" I asked. "Easy," he said. The child put a finger in the air and drew a perfect X. "See, he is not there anymore." Life would be simpler if we could just "X" toxicants out of our lives. Most of the time we can not. However, what we can do is be in control of our own behaviors and not allow toxicants to spread their venom to us.
References
Brickman, Rick & Kirschner, Rick. (1994). Dealing with People You Can t Stand. New York: McGraw Hill.
Cameron, Julia. (1992). The Artist s Way. New York: G. P. Putnam s Sons.
Jamison, Kaleel. (1994). The Nibble Theory and The Kernel of Power. New York: Paulist Press.
Dr. Elizabeth Lambert Johns is Chair of Social Sciences and Public Services and a professor of psychology at the Alexandria campus of the Northern Virginia Community College. She is also an adjunct in the National Center for Community College Education at George Mason University.